It’s not you it’s me

Cool.

 

So I just had this moment today because I really really really have a difficult time at work. It’s very chaotic, my workload is horrible, I’ve gone in and out of panic attacks this year because of the stress..it’s not easy. And today I was just thinking, you know, I know all of those things are true here but maybe it’s me. Maybe I wouldn’t need a new job if I was a new me. If I focused more on being thankful for having a job, and being able to overcome the hard days here, instead of being filled with dread every morning that I have to come.

 

It definitely has to be a God thing because those words are not something I would confess on my own. I go through periods of not hating being here as much but for the most part it is my biggest challenge right now. To be here. To not like being here. To stay here because a new door has not opened.

 

Definitely not a fun season in my life but maybe it’s also necessary. Maybe I’m more stubborn than I think and changes internally need to happen before I’m ready to move on. Before that door will open.

 

Just some thoughts on this unacceptably cold morning.

“I would have no problem cheating on you”

That is a direct quote overheard at home. From my dad to my mom.

Rough right?

But I began to think about that. Obviously it pisses me off to hear my dad say that to my mom, but it reminded me as a small girl..I don’t remember my age..but I remember making a promise of sorts to myself that I will not end up like that. I will not be my mom. I will not find someone like my dad. I will figure out whatever made my mom mess up her marriage and not. be. that. Seemed simple enough.

That one sentence though sent me into an emotional spiral that I didn’t expect. It actually reminded me of my own relationships and being cheated on. I never suspected it from my first relationship–my first love. There was no preparation for it happening. I thought I was going to marry this guy, both sets of parents expected it, it was serious from the get go. But fast forward through some drama and his addictions and well I found out in the middle of it already happening full swing. I found out actually from her after texting him. I found out because his vocabulary in a text was not him. It didn’t sound like him–well because it was a her. That’s a story for another day.

It took me years to really put that whole thing to rest to just accept that I will never understand, or get an apology, or really truly comprehend the entire situation. Suffice it to say that in summary for now I was with him for 6 years and back and forth with him for a couple of years after, not wanting to let go, being manipulated to forgive and stay, whatever you want to call it only to be cheated on more and more. And while any normal person would perhaps find it easy to walk–it was really hard for me to move on and let go. To reconcile everything in front of me with the feelings that were inside of me. When I finally did I just decided to go on some “dates” with a friend. You know the kind of thing where you know you’re going out on dates because you are alone together, they pay for everything, you get those sappy post-“date” texts about how great you are and how fun the night was but the guy will never ever ever call it a date? Well even though there was nothing specifically bad about him, it was just disappointing that I was strung along for too long, never quite “worthy” over the course of a couple of years of being asked out officially or anything. Asked out on these “dates” but then pulled through long spells of no talking, no hang outs, no calls, etc then gracing you with proposed hang outs then nothing…then hang outs. I think I was just you know accepting of it to just move on and because he went to church and all that and seemed like a much better idea than my ex. And well I guess honestly also better than nothing at all.

Once I pulled the plug on that one..was about the time I finally got some interest from a neighbor in my town who I found incredibly smug and douche-like. But by that time..I think I was just like…defeated and well great I don’t care I’m going to just have fun. Unfortunately for me he was cute, witty, and that started to over-shadow the initial warning signs of still being a total loser but again better than nothing. Flattering for the self esteem to walk past in a parking lot. Harmless. Begrudgingly listened to a CD he recorded of his music and slid under my door. Laughed when he joked about stringing a cup from his window to mine to have conversations late at night. Thought it was endearing how he wanted to watch terrible shows on the History channel together. And just seemed nice. Alarming genuine and after a short amount of time definitely made it clear that he liked me. We bonded over our mutual horrible past relationships and of course he would “never cheat on me”. But fast forward some time and voila caught in the act. Yup.

So I guess hearing those words again though not intended directly for me, just brought me back. Why would he say that to her? Why does he want to be intentionally hurtful? Why did I end up not finding someone great and instead have encountered asshole, ball-less boy man, and then asshole?

It’s hard not to carry that in moving forward. To not even look at someone you think could be a great idea but not have that…hesitation because all of these past situations where someone said you were great and all and yet their actions said “I would have no problem cheating on you”.

This is not meant to be therapy or woe is me, but just a simple acknowledgment that I realize this is still something I carry. 9 out of 10 days I’m good but the 10th day can be a whammy where something is triggered and you realize this is still something you think about. Like am I just doomed? Why in my attempt to not find assholes are there assholes everywhere? Is it just the Tri-State area?

I do think there is a chance that there is you know someone out there for me. Better than what I have experienced, better than what I might even think I am capable of getting anymore. But it’s hard. Especially when this is what you overhear.

I might erase this post. I might not. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.

Living Sacrifice

This verse in Romans 12 has been something that growing up going to church I’ve heard numerous times. But I can say without any hesitation that now I know what that really means. For those not familiar with the verse here it is in the MSG version of the Bible courtesy of Bible Gateway:

Place Your Life Before God

12 1-2 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

3 I’m speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it’s important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

4-6 In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we’re talking about is Christ’s body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn’t amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t.

6-8 If you preach, just preach God’s Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don’t take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy; if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate; if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

9-10 Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

11-13 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

14-16 Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.

17-19 Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

20-21 Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

Cliff notes version: “offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.”

I’ve never really quite felt that verse as deeply as I do now. As I continue blogging you’ll learn more and more about me, but I’ll focus today on my work. My job is literally my biggest struggle right now. I work in an industry I never wanted to be in. With people who talk down to me every day. In an environment where people are crying in the bathroom or talking to me with tears in their eyes. Everyone looks beaten down. And I’m ashamed to be one of them at this point since I suppose you go through life feeling strong and when you look in the mirror one day, you realize you’re a big bloody mess.

In college during job fairs I knew this particular industry I ended up in was the last place I wanted to be. It’s competitive, it’s high-stress, it’s just not my bag whatsoever. I can specifically recall conversations with God where I was like “HA this is THE LAST thing I’d ever want to do” and yet here I am. In that place of “this is the last place I’d ever want to be”. So that in and of itself is a sacrifice. I feel like a wild horse bucking around while Jesus is trying to tame my wild heart and my will. I’ve been struggling though. And while I know that I am anchored in my relationship with Him I would be lying if I said I wasn’t totally defeated. I’ve been in this place of extremes in my job for almost 3 years. And it’s a hard pill to swallow when people tell you “you are lazy”, “you are a screw up”, “you aren’t doing enough”, “you aren’t worth a raise”, etc etc etc every day for 3 years. And that’s no lie. That’s the environment I walk slumped over into every day. So on one hand I know this isn’t forever, I know God’s plans for me are good, I know He cares for me, and yet my heart is raw. My heart fights with me and tells me I’m forgotten, I’m never getting out of here, and I am alone.

So I’m writing this in the wake of another nasty e-mail. From someone who hasn’t been carrying their weight, who I’ve had to do 4x’s my normal work for to cover the slack and yet I’m told (while Ccing all of my superiors) that I am not being careful enough in my work. And though I know this is not true these voices and emails are who you deal with every single day. It does not end. It does not ease. It’s non-stop for 3 years.

It has reached a crappy crescendo I would say since the summer. I’ve hit rock bottom. And I feel like since I’ve hit rock bottom–I’ve chased after God more. Worshiped harder, prayed longer, been more vulnerable with people, etc and yet it’s like the rock bottom gave out to an even lower bottom. And yet there is still a small part of me that knows it is not the end. This is not how my story will end. But say that to the girl who literally had a total emotional breakdown two nights ago and couldn’t fall asleep because she was crying over the weight of work, of feeling beaten down, of being poorly treated, of feeling like life is passing her by and nothing is bending. No interviews are ending in a new job, recruiters are telling you that you are being abused at work because of your low salary for your position, etc etc. It makes you feel hopeless. My dream as sad as it sounds is to just be fired. To just have this all end and to get some relief and yet I know for some reason I am not being removed because there is a reason for me being here. Because it doesn’t make sense to look at it any other way. And you know what? It doesn’t usually make sense even in the Christian way.

I just know that God doesn’t want me to quit, he wants me to keep a smile on my face, he wants me to pray harder, and while everything around me falls apart. While I feel surrounded by anxiety from work, and rejection, and feelings of hopelessness–I know this is not where the story ends. In the meantime I might not understand, but I know for whatever reason this is where I have been placed.

I am My Father’s Daughter

Any time someone makes a reference to me resembling my dad, or looking like my dad, or acting like my dad–I’m filled with dread. Dread because my father is not exactly the nicest person around. Growing up he was either high, drunk, breaking something around the house, or calling people curse words. He fluctuates between Eeyore on his calm days and maybe Al Pacino in Scarface on every other day. If there is a natural disaster or some horrific news his first response is typically “Good!”. If I had an interview his response would be “You probably won’t get it”. Things like that.

On my way in to work today I was thinking about a great interview I saw on TV surrounding a non-profit I would really love to work for. I was daydreaming about all the cool things I could do and the people who I would feel I could influence and then all of a sudden I thought. You know..I really AM my Father’s daughter.

I don’t go around passing out doomsday flyers, or shoving religion in people’s faces, but I grew up going to church and looked forward to it. Normalcy in the midst of horrible dysfunction at home maybe but I enjoyed going. Even in my 20s I don’t have to be asked to go and I find value in the sermons and an identity in a spiritual Father that I don’t have to be embarrassed about. So it occurred to me during my daydreaming that not all similarities to fatherhood have to be a bad thing. I know people like to throw around the term “daddy issues” which quite frankly I hate that term. It sounds incestuous to me or something. Babytalk almost. Just belittling maybe to the whole thing. Like because I have a bad relationship with my father, that all of a sudden I’m going to want to date older men, or flirt with other people’s fathers or something.

But I guess you can say I don’t understand what it is to have a father. I grew up with one. He was there. But it was almost like having your uncle there. Or a distant relative that had no where else to live. So I don’t always comprehend on a greater scale the God as father idea. I believe it is true (obviously) but it is still something that is approached with reservation, and expectancy of disapproval.

Anyway back to the point.

I thought about all these things I would love to do with my life–that haven’t happened yet. And I like to imagine what I would say if certain situations arose, and then it occurred to me. Like ticker tape across my brain: You are you Father’s daughter.

But instead of being filled with dread I was reassured that I don’t have to take that phrase as a giant failure. Granted there are some redeeming qualities in my “real” dad. However there is so many negatives ingrained in me that it is just a pet peeve to be compared in any way to him. In that moment however, I knew that God was comforting me and proud of the thoughts I was having. When you believe that there is a good dad, a good God, and that he created you exactly as you are and loves you no matter what garbage you get into, no matter how many curse words you throw at him, no matter what you will continue to do, it makes being compared to him and likened to him not so terrible.

In that moment I was reminded that it is okay to be my Father’s daughter.

Weak Recovery

I’m a commuter. I take the bus. So I notice graffiti, billboards, and other random stuff that’s sprinkled along my route. I will also notice when people do embarrassing things, like trip, or their skirt blows up as they’re standing on the side of the road, etc. It’s like Big Brother with no dialogue and no one wins anything.

However on occasion you witness a gem or you overhear something so perfect from someone’s personal conversation that you feel super awesome for having been apart of it for 5 seconds.

I had one of these days. I saw this billboard one day on my way to work and it’s not a stationary billboard so when another bus passes by, or if flickers to another ad, you don’t always get the best timing to write it down or whatever. Anyway. The other day the ad came back on and I jotted it to myself because it was like, Jesus was Z-Snapping me in the midst of my thoughts.

Just marinate on that picture for a minute.

 

 

Anyway the ad was for Cohn Reznick and the caption said “Don’t Blame Uncertainty for a Weak Recovery”. Now we could pretend that I have any skills when it comes to Math, Economics, what have you. But if we’re real here just know that I still cannot properly stick to a budget, I get sweaty palms when there isn’t a calculator, and when I worked a register at a deli back in the day and someone changed their mind by giving me a 20 or something instead of whatever crap they originally handled me..my mind flatlines. I do not possess that kind of skill.

So quick spoiler on my life as to why I enjoyed reading this. I feel most days like my life is over. I have no idea what I am doing with my life, why I am in the job that I am, why I cannot meet a mentally stable eligible bachelor, why I am getting no where with any of my bills, why why why. I won’t bore you. You get the picture. So most of the time as emo/Myspace/LiveJournal/poetry club as this sounds I feel like I am attending my own funeral. Daily. Like there’s people who are half my age who have inventions, there are infants on Pinterest who have more swag in their OOTDs that I’ve had in my entire life. No in all seriousness though, especially living around and working in NYC you feel remedial at best in any social circle because everyone is working on the best thing ever. Or has awesome jobs or magical Instagram adventures, and you’re just under your covers eating Cheetos and watching I dunno…Hallmark Christmas movies.

So anyway I saw this billboard and I was like. Awesome. I can feel momentarily like my life isn’t a total wash because even though I’ve been through some horrendous things, and continue to doggie paddle pathetically in the rapids of life..perhaps things aren’t THAT BAD in the grand scheme of things. My 20s? Sure..pure shitshow. But we could be on the up and up.

This is my Confession: I am Rejectable

I think my biggest struggle right now is not seeing myself as rejected. People have all sorts of fears and while mine can range from failure, to being alone, to not having enough money for things, I’m beginning to at least see a pattern and it all traces back to what I think the source is–rejection. For some it’s usually the fear of putting yourself out there; trying to reach for something and not getting it. For me, it’s the rejection I’ve faced in the past and trying not to see that in every other situation that doesn’t turn out right.

I’m very open with people. Almost too open? I don’t know I guess I’m the kind of person who’s cool with people right away–I hug strangers, I bond with people I just met and we end up whipping out our past immediately disclosing information like we’ve known each other for ages, people on public transportation just start sharing their secrets with me, that sort of thing. However, if I’m honest with myself the majority of the time I question everything I do, everything my life is–and most of these questions consist of the following:

Why are you interested in that guy? You only attract assholes or guys with no drive. You’re not good enough for him.

Why are you applying for that job? It’s been three years and you know aren’t going to be chosen again.

Don’t go to that event. You know people just tolerate you. You don’t have any “real friends”.

Don’t write anything, you’re not that talented and it’s probably best to just stop dreaming about doing anything real about it.

Shit like that.

And while I don’t parade around like Hey Everyone I’m wounded– I know that’s who I’ve been. You learn to have your cry, to deal with your crap, but inevitably you pack it up because you need to go to work, or you need to be a functioning person to get through your day. I think the sad part about all of that though is, that you might have “laid it all at the Cross” if you are religious, or thought positive thoughts if you’re spiritual, or unloaded your baggage if you go to therapy but it could still be there. I guess I picture it like vacuuming a carpet after you spilled something and you thought you sucked out all the crumbs but that one crumb was there under the couch invisible. So you sit on the couch admiring the clean rug for a week. You see an ant crawling around. You think nothing of it. Another week another ant. Until one day you’re friggin surrounded by ants and it’s like your couch has become their home base.

That’s what I think rejection does and even if you think you cleaned it out. Even if you’ve dealt with it in human ways, or spiritual ways, or medical ways–there’s still an infestation. Now you’re prone to a breakout. Now you can never drop a “crumb” again because you know what will happen.

Even when I published this new account the other day here on the site, my immediate thought was WTF are you thinking. Literally. I haven’t written anything in years. I don’t feel up for it. I’m afraid that I will drift out of posting like I did the last time I tried one of these. And quite frankly I don’t know if any of this will be any good. I fully intend on just writing until I have a big heaping garbage pile on here and then maybe when some nosy person on Facebook remembers that I mentioned to a friend that I was trying this again, and asks for the link, I will be forced to expose my pathetic little blog/therapy session/embarrassing person expose/whatever.

So until then. I’ll just be here dropping crumbs like a dysfunctional Agoraphobic little Gretel.

 

Trying this again.

About 2 1/2 years ago I started my first blog in a bottomless pit of post-Grad unemployment. I liked to comment on TV shows mainly and I figured it might be a good place to start practicing my writing again. Or to feel accomplished. Long story short I got a job, I stopped writing, and I kind of lost myself. There’s nothing fancy to say about that other than the fact that life, work, and all sorts of things started to eclipse any joy I had in doing anything writing-related.

 

This is my attempt to re-set the bone.