I think my biggest struggle right now is not seeing myself as rejected. People have all sorts of fears and while mine can range from failure, to being alone, to not having enough money for things, I’m beginning to at least see a pattern and it all traces back to what I think the source is–rejection. For some it’s usually the fear of putting yourself out there; trying to reach for something and not getting it. For me, it’s the rejection I’ve faced in the past and trying not to see that in every other situation that doesn’t turn out right.
I’m very open with people. Almost too open? I don’t know I guess I’m the kind of person who’s cool with people right away–I hug strangers, I bond with people I just met and we end up whipping out our past immediately disclosing information like we’ve known each other for ages, people on public transportation just start sharing their secrets with me, that sort of thing. However, if I’m honest with myself the majority of the time I question everything I do, everything my life is–and most of these questions consist of the following:
Why are you interested in that guy? You only attract assholes or guys with no drive. You’re not good enough for him.
Why are you applying for that job? It’s been three years and you know aren’t going to be chosen again.
Don’t go to that event. You know people just tolerate you. You don’t have any “real friends”.
Don’t write anything, you’re not that talented and it’s probably best to just stop dreaming about doing anything real about it.
Shit like that.
And while I don’t parade around like Hey Everyone I’m wounded– I know that’s who I’ve been. You learn to have your cry, to deal with your crap, but inevitably you pack it up because you need to go to work, or you need to be a functioning person to get through your day. I think the sad part about all of that though is, that you might have “laid it all at the Cross” if you are religious, or thought positive thoughts if you’re spiritual, or unloaded your baggage if you go to therapy but it could still be there. I guess I picture it like vacuuming a carpet after you spilled something and you thought you sucked out all the crumbs but that one crumb was there under the couch invisible. So you sit on the couch admiring the clean rug for a week. You see an ant crawling around. You think nothing of it. Another week another ant. Until one day you’re friggin surrounded by ants and it’s like your couch has become their home base.
That’s what I think rejection does and even if you think you cleaned it out. Even if you’ve dealt with it in human ways, or spiritual ways, or medical ways–there’s still an infestation. Now you’re prone to a breakout. Now you can never drop a “crumb” again because you know what will happen.
Even when I published this new account the other day here on the site, my immediate thought was WTF are you thinking. Literally. I haven’t written anything in years. I don’t feel up for it. I’m afraid that I will drift out of posting like I did the last time I tried one of these. And quite frankly I don’t know if any of this will be any good. I fully intend on just writing until I have a big heaping garbage pile on here and then maybe when some nosy person on Facebook remembers that I mentioned to a friend that I was trying this again, and asks for the link, I will be forced to expose my pathetic little blog/therapy session/embarrassing person expose/whatever.
So until then. I’ll just be here dropping crumbs like a dysfunctional Agoraphobic little Gretel.