“I would have no problem cheating on you”

That is a direct quote overheard at home. From my dad to my mom.

Rough right?

But I began to think about that. Obviously it pisses me off to hear my dad say that to my mom, but it reminded me as a small girl..I don’t remember my age..but I remember making a promise of sorts to myself that I will not end up like that. I will not be my mom. I will not find someone like my dad. I will figure out whatever made my mom mess up her marriage and not. be. that. Seemed simple enough.

That one sentence though sent me into an emotional spiral that I didn’t expect. It actually reminded me of my own relationships and being cheated on. I never suspected it from my first relationship–my first love. There was no preparation for it happening. I thought I was going to marry this guy, both sets of parents expected it, it was serious from the get go. But fast forward through some drama and his addictions and well I found out in the middle of it already happening full swing. I found out actually from her after texting him. I found out because his vocabulary in a text was not him. It didn’t sound like him–well because it was a her. That’s a story for another day.

It took me years to really put that whole thing to rest to just accept that I will never understand, or get an apology, or really truly comprehend the entire situation. Suffice it to say that in summary for now I was with him for 6 years and back and forth with him for a couple of years after, not wanting to let go, being manipulated to forgive and stay, whatever you want to call it only to be cheated on more and more. And while any normal person would perhaps find it easy to walk–it was really hard for me to move on and let go. To reconcile everything in front of me with the feelings that were inside of me. When I finally did I just decided to go on some “dates” with a friend. You know the kind of thing where you know you’re going out on dates because you are alone together, they pay for everything, you get those sappy post-“date” texts about how great you are and how fun the night was but the guy will never ever ever call it a date? Well even though there was nothing specifically bad about him, it was just disappointing that I was strung along for too long, never quite “worthy” over the course of a couple of years of being asked out officially or anything. Asked out on these “dates” but then pulled through long spells of no talking, no hang outs, no calls, etc then gracing you with proposed hang outs then nothing…then hang outs. I think I was just you know accepting of it to just move on and because he went to church and all that and seemed like a much better idea than my ex. And well I guess honestly also better than nothing at all.

Once I pulled the plug on that one..was about the time I finally got some interest from a neighbor in my town who I found incredibly smug and douche-like. But by that time..I think I was just like…defeated and well great I don’t care I’m going to just have fun. Unfortunately for me he was cute, witty, and that started to over-shadow the initial warning signs of still being a total loser but again better than nothing. Flattering for the self esteem to walk past in a parking lot. Harmless. Begrudgingly listened to a CD he recorded of his music and slid under my door. Laughed when he joked about stringing a cup from his window to mine to have conversations late at night. Thought it was endearing how he wanted to watch terrible shows on the History channel together. And just seemed nice. Alarming genuine and after a short amount of time definitely made it clear that he liked me. We bonded over our mutual horrible past relationships and of course he would “never cheat on me”. But fast forward some time and voila caught in the act. Yup.

So I guess hearing those words again though not intended directly for me, just brought me back. Why would he say that to her? Why does he want to be intentionally hurtful? Why did I end up not finding someone great and instead have encountered asshole, ball-less boy man, and then asshole?

It’s hard not to carry that in moving forward. To not even look at someone you think could be a great idea but not have that…hesitation because all of these past situations where someone said you were great and all and yet their actions said “I would have no problem cheating on you”.

This is not meant to be therapy or woe is me, but just a simple acknowledgment that I realize this is still something I carry. 9 out of 10 days I’m good but the 10th day can be a whammy where something is triggered and you realize this is still something you think about. Like am I just doomed? Why in my attempt to not find assholes are there assholes everywhere? Is it just the Tri-State area?

I do think there is a chance that there is you know someone out there for me. Better than what I have experienced, better than what I might even think I am capable of getting anymore. But it’s hard. Especially when this is what you overhear.

I might erase this post. I might not. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.

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