Yesterday when I got home from work I decided to help my mom with dinner. The baked potatoes were out of the oven just hanging out in their Pyrex dish. I was marinating the steaks and the conversation had turned again to me telling her how I still believe that ever since I started going to a new church in the summer, everything has gotten more intense in my life. Things that never went wrong go wrong, situations that are unexplainable and strange have been happening, and it’s weird to think about.
I suppose because I don’t understand what is happening now that I’ve just come to believe that I must be on the right track. Not that I was never really terribly far from it but I do believe there are times where you might be moving forward on a path that might seem good but it isn’t where you are supposed to be. I was going to another church for 6 years. I liked it for a good portion of the time but the past I’ll say 2 years I wasn’t happy. There was lots of situations that I didn’t agree with; people’s treatment of one another for one. Not widespread but people my age and I just didn’t feel like I agreed with what was happening. There was a lot of drama and eventually I didn’t have a particular group of friends. I felt I was going to church solely for my relationship with God and there wasn’t much of a community anymore for me. I had gone to a conference and it changed everything for me about 2 years ago. I knew I needed to find another church and the pastor of my current church spoke there. His words I kid you not for a year and a half echoed in my mind. Over and over and over. Looking back on that I think I was being called to this other church. And yet, I was resistant. Mainly because I didn’t want to give up on my already lost group of friends, I was interested in a guy and kind of holding out hope that something would have transpired, etc. Which seems insane when you weigh that against how alone and miserable I still felt being there.
Long story short I finally said “screw it” in a sense and dropped going to start going to this new church and I’ve never looked back. However, even though I know without a doubt this new church is my home, it’s like this pressure cooker has turned on. Kid you not all of a sudden I was the girl getting panic attacks, the girl filled with feelings of inadequacy and fear because everyone was so talented or looked more successful or attractive (true story I still struggle with this) than me. Unexplainable things would happen i.e. drama at work that normally wouldn’t happen, my crazy father would be breaking things around the apartment in the middle of the night, people would come up to me and after a few minutes would tell me how what I’m saying is how they’ve been feeling and have been afraid to say it and feel better knowing someone else feels the same way, jobs I should have gotten literally where the hiring party would say I’m the front runner time after time would bottom out, etc etc etc. It might not sound all that bad, but suffice it to say each day since then more or less has been a struggle while simultaneously being the best decision I’ve made in years.
Anyway so the crazy part is the second I finished saying “I still feel like ever since I’ve been going, everything has been crazy” the Pyrex holding the potatoes exploded. Like IED exploded into a million shards of glass all over the kitchen. You can’t even make this kind of crap up. Granted the heat might have been coming off the other pan on the stove and helped overheat the glass dish but it was uncanny.
I guess the only thing I can say is the pressure cooker is on. And although I have learned to fight my new-found anxiety, there are problems constantly at home and work, and glass shards could have become embedded in my face I’m learning not to care. I’m learning to be unshakeable. I’m learning that there can be times where there are storms are all around me but I can be like Jesus asleep in the boat unfazed. I’ve had my fair share of trials and hardships in my 20s thus far and I’ve been all over the map with how I’ve handled it, but I think now that I’m a couple of months away from 26 that I’ve finally moved the see saw up from one side to the other. But it is a process nevertheless. Problems I’ve never had are coming out of no where and yet I feel like I am being fortified in the fire.
One of the best songs out there right now is Oceans by Hillsong United. Here is some food for thought that relates to this season for me:
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
If anything the explosion could have jolted me, could have escalated my nerves, and become a big fight in the home among my parents. Instead I am choosing to look away from it, accept the neverending storm, and dive beneath the waves instead of being bowled over by them.