Test Me

In Malachi 3:10 God instructs us to tithe. This is something I have only done a few times in my life despite growing up as a Christian because honestly I live paycheck to paycheck and feel in a way like–it’s important to do and yet it’s terrifying because I’m used to ends not meeting. Feeling like my contribution is not enough, or it is enough but I’m scared to give it because there isn’t anything left over for the other bills. The other unexpected things. Feeling like I cannot get ahead no matter how I try. Like I can’t step up to the next level because doors for new opportunities seem to peep out at me through the door and slam shut once they see it’s still me knocking away. Emo perhaps but true.

Ever since going to “Heart for the House” the annual giving my church participates in I’ve felt like it was important for me to give. Even though it is a sacrifice and even if I’m honest enough to say it’s not with 100% joy. More like 100% fear.

Anyway I decided to give today. At 2:33 pm on 12/16 in the midst of a sick anxious stomach. In the amount of a Bible verse. In the midst of a work day where I feel like once again I’m coming up short and can’t get ahead, in a week where I continue to fight feeling the hopeless feeling of this is as good as it’s been and it’s not good enough, in the presence of only seconds ago making the comment that I can’t do this anymore. That I feel like it’s been a long 3 years of closed doors, and not having enough money, and feeling stuck and not understanding why God will not save me from this. Why I can’t make little money at a job where I don’t feel torn down, or make more money at a job that isn’t as bad. I know he hears me and yet I wonder how much longer I have to endure before the doors are thrown open wide and what I’ve been waiting for comes.

So I’m challenging you Jesus. I’m testing you. You say “Test me in this and see if I don’t open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams.” Well God your dreamer is waiting.

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