It’s a new work week and instead of feeling well rested after the weekend I actually feel totally depleted. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I had horrible bouts of insomnia. No matter what I did I could not stay asleep. Friday I woke up out of a deep sleep and remained up from 1 am – 4 am. Saturday I could not fall asleep and when I did I slept for about 4 hours. And last night..well last night you would think out of sheer exhaustion it would have been easy to drift off to sleep but I went to bed and woke up an hour later.
I prayed out loud that Jesus does not give me a spirit of fear, that I do not have to be awake or anxious because Jesus has won this fight I am going through and therefore a sound mind and heart are mine to claim. However, while it settled me to a degree I feel like the storm raged on–less intense but still enough to remain in a state of unrest. The one last night actually resulted in bodily tremors almost like I was freezing even though I wasn’t all that cold. And yet during that time I found some verses that were kind of incredible despite everything I was going through:
“You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life” – Psalm 56:13
“…under God’s mighty hand he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” – 1 Peter 5:6
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters you will not go down…I paid a huge price for you…that’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.” – Isaiah 43:1-6
“I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand” – Isaiah 51:16
It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and he got our hopes up, he has his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone” – Ephesians 1:11-12
“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book” – Psalm 56:8
“The minute I said “I’m slipping, I’m falling” your love God took hold and held me fast. When i was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up” – Psalm 94:16-19
It’s hard because I honestly feel horrible the majority of the time. I’ve lost weight over the course of Summer-Fall 2013, I’m quick to get sick which never used to happen, I’m overly stressed mentally, my body has daily aches and pains, I’m not resting properly when it’s time to decompress and relax for sleep and yet I’m clinging to what I know to be true. Jesus is my defender and my deliverer and nothing will destroy the good he has for me. I know the plans he has for me are all positive. My faith has overcome the world and because I am a child of God I will overcome my present circumstances (1 John 5:4). And yet it is still challenging to walk in the knowledge that this is a temporary struggle when it feels like in every way you’ve reached your limit and there is no end in sight.
I came into the office this morning with a note from a friend about a message she heard at her church yesterday:
I pretty much was in tears throughout the service especially when the pastor said what do you do when you are doing all you know to do and nothing is happening. It’s like people are passing you in circles while you are standing still feeling like you are stuck. Then you hear the thoughts in your mind that this job is all you will ever have, nobody wants you, you aren’t good enough, you don’t have the qualifications and so on.
He came from the scripture 1 Kings 18:41-45 when there was a drought happening but Elijah believed the message he heard from God that it was going to rain. He sent Ahab to go look in the sea to see if it was filled and Ahab did it but didn’t see anything and it wasn’t until the 7th time that he went to look that it started to rain. He pretty much said this year is going to be a year where we can’t see things in a logical sense. He said God is preparing us and showing us things on a deeper spiritual level and in order to be ready for the move of God we have to look past what we see. If all this turmoil is going on then you know God is up to something great because the title of that verse is the drought ends. We need to always have the word of God in us and ready to speak it in our circumstances so we can use it back to him because His word will not return to him void but accomplish what He pleases and prosper you.
And so in the midst of my exhaustion I will renew my mind with the promise of rain.