I’ve been thinking since my last blog post about what I should write about next which is obviously normal when you have a blog. However I haven’t felt lead to write about anything I was thinking of and so unless I felt like God wanted to talk about a particular topic with me I didn’t want to post it. It’s important in this writing endeavor to not just write what I want to write but to make sure it is what God wants to say to me and have me share. So that’s sometimes why there seem to be a bunch of posts, then a lull, because keeping true to that is the nature of this blog.
For the past week on and off I have just been feeling emotional. I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’m not enjoying being single but it’s not really the relationship aspect of it so much as it is this feeling that I’ve struggle with for most of my life of feeling like, why don’t I measure up? If I was so ______ (fill in the blank with positive reinforcements) then why am I single? Why doesn’t this person give me a try? Why is my family suffering financially and we cannot get ahead? Why are things so bad at home and there is no opportunity to move out and live in a healthier environment? Things like that. Which by and large I have worked through over time but this was like a visitation from the past with regards to the relationship aspect and I was surprised that it was back and still affecting me in any capacity.
When I was at church these thoughts started swirling around in my head again since this message pertained to the “landscape of your heart”. What does the territory look like? Is it occupied by negative growth, have you let the enemy trespass on property that belongs to God? Are you failing to dream the kinds of things God has planted in your heart because you still have not seen them grow?
And of course this resonated with me because of where my mind has receded back to. I knew this was from God and just reminding me that He has not forgotten me or my prayers or my situation. He is ever present and He is ever faithful.
Once the message was over I was feeling pretty great. But that soon faded after having a conversation with someone out of the blue where they said something harsh that I was a. not in a good state to hear b. would not have enjoyed hearing on any day honestly. And the thoughts and feelings came back again. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t taking it 100% to heart. But it bothered me that someone in church would say something so deliberately hurtful to me. Especially someone who is aware of my past and how it is still something I struggle with to feel like I am worthy of great things. That there isn’t anything deficient in me preventing me from getting things that are appealing. And even more than that it bothered me that I believed it to a certain extent because it had to do with me not being “enough”. For setting my hopes on something too out of reach.
On the bus ride into the office today I know Jesus spoke to me. Do you ever think about what the world around you has said or does say and think, wow, that almost sounds Christian? I feel like the past few months have exploded with these kinds of incidents. I plan on using some examples of that throughout some of my posts because I think it’s interesting and coming up in music, tv shows, and other forms of media too often not to take note of. Anyway, this morning I laughed when I was thinking about how my heart was sad just the other day based on what had transpired and in 100% clear James Earl Jones fashion I heard the phrase “Remember who you are”. For those of you who haven’t seen every Disney movie from the 1990s, this is the context of the 1994 movie “The Lion King”:
Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
Simba: How can I go back? I’m not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are.
And it reminded me how easy and clear and simply God can speak to us. I knew 100% what he meant and it made me laugh because it was perfect. Granted Simba wasn’t a sometimes insecure 20-something year old woman but he knew what it was like to be lovingly scolded by his father. It was like God himself was saying “Jessica, have you forgotten me? Have you forgotten who you are? Look inside yourself. You are more than what you have become. You are more than what people say about you. You are more than your circumstances. You are more than the poor treatment you have gotten in life. You are more than your past. You are more than your present. You must take your place.”
To me the circle could be His presence. There is no beginning or end to it. The circle could be like in Isaiah 40:22 where “He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth” in full power and authority. Or it could just simply be resting in who you are as a child of God.
Mufasa goes on to remind Simba that he has authority on Earth. Even though the King is no longer here, Simba needs to remember who his Father says he is.
I think we’re all guilty of forgetting who we are in the midst of adversity. It’s especially hard when you feel like you are being as patient as possible for that relationship, or new job, or solid group of friends, or a provision, or an answer to prayer, or a healing, or whatever it might be.
Even Romans 8:15-16 says we ” have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but have received a spirit of adoption as sons and daughters by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God.” I love that. The Holy Spirit himself is in agreement with the spirit within us that yes, we are indeed children of God.
I found this great blog post online by Angela Sansone (http://blog.1019ministries.com/princess-of-the-most-high-king/):
I wrote Princess of the Most High King in October of 2006.
She was His princess from before the foundations of time (Ephesians 1:4). Yet as a little girl, words said and actions taken by others towards her quickly made her forget what He had written on her heart. Instead she received lies as her crown and loathing as her gown.
Yet the King persisted every morning as she would awake. He would gently brush the hair from out of her face and tenderly whisper, “Arise, My Love, My beauty, and come along with Me. Let Me hear your voice; let Me see your face, for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely” (Song of Songs 2:13-14). Sometimes she faintly heard Him speak while other times the loathing won and the words she heard were none.
Yet the King was mightier than the loathing and anything else that tried to destroy His princesses’ identities. One of His favorite ways of breaking through was by giving them roses. Sometimes He gave actual roses through family or friends. Other times the roses figuratively came through a worship song or Bible verse or the gentle touch of a stranger. And many a day, they came in the most unexpected ways. Ahhh, the one thing loathing hates is roses. For roses replace the lies with a princess’ crown if only for a short time.
Never satisfied until His princesses are completely free, the King persists. He brings them together with other believers who can love, and pray, and speak truth on those especially lie-filled days. Little by little, He frees His princesses from the lies they believe and little by little they see the loathing decrease. Most times the journey is long and many days the loathing clings so tenaciously that hope fades that it will ever be any other way.
In their anguish, His princesses often blindly choose the things that only make the loathing increase: speaking in hurtful, angry ways, hating the way they look and who they are, feeding their ego or stomach instead of their soul, using things that harm to make the hurt go away only for it to return with great ferocity and when it wears off they are once again left with their poor choices and the loathing that clings like a leach.
And even as she makes these choices that hurt and harm, the King with tear-filled eyes gently pulls His princess onto His lap and says, “My precious daughter, you are loved by Me. I am with you and I am mighty to save. I will take great delight in you, I will quiet you with My love, I will rejoice over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17, Isaiah 30:18).
As she cries, He holds her close to his chest and says, “My darling, take My hand and trust My heart.I long to be gracious to you; I rise to show you compassion. My precious princess, accept every gift I long to lavish on you and stop receiving the lies as your crown and the loathing as your gown.Our journey is not complete until you are completely free to dance in My light and love with ecstasy.
The battle is not yours but Mine. Take up your position, stand firm and see the deliverance I will bring (2 Chronicles 20:12-17). My lovely one, never settle for less than all that I have for you. I will bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of loathing and despair (Isaiah 61:1-3).
My precious daughter, I promise in that day you will say, “Surely this is My King, I trusted in Him and He saved me” (Isaiah 25:9). Believe it even when you can’t see it. Embrace it even when your feelings scream it isn’t true.
My beautiful bride, adorned in the crown of My love and the gown of My grace, dance the freedom dance with Me. You are and always will be loved by Me, Your victorious Savior and King” (Isaiah 54:5, 62:5).
We are extravagantly loved by the King, may that be the reason we sing!
Father, as sons and especially as daughters, it is hard to always see ourselves in our truest form which is first and foremost as Your children and Your beloved creation. Give me strength right now today and everyday as well as the confidence to truly see who I am in Your eyes so I may help turn the heads of the discouraged and lost to the perfect acceptance and love that only You alone can give.