It isn’t easy to die to yourself. I can be stubborn and my convictions can be strong at times and it can be difficult to realize more and more that God is in control and I’m not. Even though I do not understand–God does. The problem is that I WANT to understand. I WANT to be told why things are so hard or do not make sense. Ultimately I have to be okay with not understanding and just trusting that God is right on time and everything He orchestrates is for my good. At times this can be comforting but other times I find it frustrating. And I think that’s just human nature.
In the Hillsong Devotional “40 Days of Revival” it said “One of the best things about taking your place in the community of God’s people is the journey of discovering your unique purpose.” And I think that is definitely true. But I think it’s often under-estimated how painful that can be at the same time. As a child I would build little leaf homes out of sticks and grass and leaves for caterpillars. Literally. I would write my own stories and illustrate them with pictures. I would play with my Polly Pockets and Barbies. I always had a weird concern for things like creepy worms or wanting to make things with my hands, or creating stories. I had an active imagination. Growing up I didn’t really know what I was good at. I liked reading stories. I liked writing poems. I remember writing my first appreciated poem when I was maybe in 3rd or 4th grade for school. I didn’t like math or science. I always liked English, Social Studies, and creative arts. I guess I always assumed that I would do something with writing. All of that to say I know I am unique. I know there are many times where I feel different than others–kind of odd. But I’m okay with who I am. I appreciate who I am. And so discovering my specific purpose has often been a painful thing because I know what I enjoy. I know what I find interesting. I know what I care about. And often none of it really makes sense. I don’t know what my “purpose” is. Why God created me knowing I had something unique to offer the world. Knowing I was a special/different reflection of God’s creativity and love for the world.
The last part of the devotional for that specific day says “Take a moment today to write down your gifts and passions. Talk to God about how you can develop them and use them to bless others and build His church. Ask Him to help you find the right ‘place’ in HIs community so that you are not just present, but present in your ‘place’.” So I’ll awkwardly accept that challenge.
My list only taking 10 minutes to come up with (first thing that comes to mind):
Gifts – Problem solving/looking for solutions when other people give up, empathy for other people’s feelings or experiences, laughter and the ability to find humor in bad situations, writing, organization, a creative eye for what looks good or would work, desire to be inclusive to anyone who might be looking for a helping hand or a friend, a good memory/the ability to remember small details, curiosity to try new things/learn..
Passions – People in general and sex trafficking specifically, writing, shopping, Jesus, a good book or a good tv show/movie, food i.e. shrimp tacos, a good steak, (I’m currently hungry) etc., meaningful relationships…
I’m sure there’s more but that’s all I can think of. So God I pray that you continue to show me what I mean to you and what you were thinking when you thought me up. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I interested in so many things? WIll I ever be a writer? Let me know. Ha! I’ll be here. For now, I surrender who I’ve been/who I thought I was for who You are/who you’ve intended for me to be. Amen.
Photo Credit: Found on borntomakeanimpact.tumblr.com