I’m writing this post a day later because yesterday was a hard day. The night before there was an incident between my parents to put it lightly and the next day I was bombarded by a project at work. My mom and I decided to let things cool off and didn’t go home right away once I got off the bus from commuting and hoped to just lay down for the night once we got home. Instead my father was well rested for an argument. I laid in bed worrying that something was going to happen. All in all I was a little haggard.
Last night was a low for me. I feel like I’ve been holding on desperately to God for the past year due to circumstances and once again I feel more or less confused why things aren’t improving. If I had a better paying job I could afford to just move out again and take my mom with me. If my mom was employed it wouldn’t be up to me. If my dad wasn’t a psychopath we wouldn’t have to think about moving. Although deep down I know God is for me and working things out for me before I see them it’s hard not to feel abandoned. Even as a young girl I recall cops being called, sleeping at friend’s houses, church people not wanting to take us in until we got on our feet because they didn’t want the drama. This is not a post to pity me. It’s mainly to show that despite what happens to us there has to be hope. This picture reminded me of that. I love that story. Alice in Wonderland. And I think the imagery of falling down down down is something people can relate to. A lot of what happens to us we don’t ask for. We don’t always deserve it. It isn’t the natural repercussions of things. It can be. But in this case I didn’t ask for this. How do you maintain hope when you pray and nothing changes? When people from church basically say I’ll pray for you and that’s it? There’s no practical help. How do you prevent yourself from becoming bitter?
Honestly that is something I am sorting out for myself. Last night I felt angry at God. I haven’t felt angry at Him in a long time. But I was in fact angry. There’s nothing more frustrating than growing up with your mom in and out of work. There’s nothing more frustrating than not knowing what will happen at home–if items will go missing, get thrown out, broken, if something small will set off an argument, etc. It’s frustrating to work at a job you don’t make enough money at or get treated well at and yet every open job is a closed door. Not yet. Not the right one. Not the right time.
If God doesn’t like abuse–where is the open door? Why does it more often feel like you are trapped in a crappy situation?
In one of my old devotionals “Elisha: A Tale of Ridiculous Faith” it says “Maybe you can relate to the widow in that when you don’t think you have enough, you feel desperation and focus solely on your own limitations. God sees your problem much differently from the way you do. All throughout scripture we see examples of how God specializes in doing a lot with a little and this story is another prime example. The world may see this as illogical or ridiculous, but God doesn’t. During those times where you feel overwhelmed and you’ve run out of options, remember that what you have is all God needs, God has given you everything you need.”
I don’t have a problem believing God can accomplish anything–more with why he doesn’t. Why in the face of dire need He hasn’t acted. I’m writing this post because I believe that soon down the road I will have an answer to this and that God will use this as a way to encourage me and you with what he pulls off.
I look forward to wonderland.
Photo Credit: Found on my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com