Maybe it is because I am tired and have been waking up in the middle of the night for days. Maybe it is because I don’t feel too good. But since Sunday night I have been falling back into patterns of believing that where I am is wrong and too hard and why is this happening to me. It has been very difficult for me for the past several years to accept that the dreams I had to write or do something creative with my life was on hold–or potentially not what God has in mind for me. I found myself in Advertising and while I am good at it most days I carry around a heaviness because it isn’t my passion and it isn’t where I thought I would be. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts it’s actually the LAST place I wanted to be. DawnChere Wilkerson spoke at my church this past weekend and among talking about Living in Peace aka RIP because of Jesus she mentioned that we shouldn’t be only looking to Heaven for our happiness. Instead we should be enjoying that now, happiness, peace, joy, etc. While I think there are days where I feel that way–the majority of the time I am not. I know as Christians we are called to be joyful at all times, to be realistic in times where were need to grieve, but to ultimately not be buried by it knowing that all things will be made new through Jesus.
One of my favorite verses about the future is:
1 Corinthians 15:51-58
51-57 But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I’ll probably never fully understand. We’re not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it’s over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we’ll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true:
Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
Who got the last word, oh, Death?
Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now?
It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!
58 With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don’t hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort.”
I think a lot of the time that is my problem. I am so often NOT confident that what I am doing isn’t a waste of time or effort. I feel forgotten a lot. Like God–you know I hate this. You know often how I feel like I am just going through the motions. Why did you put me here? And if you did–why can’t I let go? Why am I so often unhappy? Can you transform my mind and heart so that I do not feel this way while I am serving this purpose for this time?
So today I remind myself to breathe. I do not need to figure it all out. I do not need to believe the lie that I am wasting my time or last on God’s to-do list while everyone seems to be flourishing in their dreams and gifts. I can be grateful for this day just as it is.
Photo Credit: Found on placeboeffect.com