Those four words sent to me in a text have been in the back of my mind for the past 3 weeks.
If you know a bit about me through previous posts you’ll know that my greatest love and greatest heartbreak involved the same person I dated for over 5 years. Without going into the same old story, I’ve known this person for 10 years of my life and through a long history of ups and downs, being mad, being happy, feeling angry, feeling joyful, feeling betrayed, and feeling safe, it’s hard to have to look yourself honestly in the heart, and admit that you still love that same person you haven’t dated in years.
In theory this is romantic..but in reality it honestly sucks.
Things are complicated. I don’t live in the same state as this person, this person has not dropped his life to run back to me with an engagement ring, and yet those four words are like….stretching a stiff muscle that you tore and stopped moving.
Even though I dated this person for 60% of the entire time knowing him, we’ve seen each other for some of the rest of the 40%.Sometimes one of us has been in town and decided to go get coffee to just kind of talk through problems we had, or to get closure. To just vent about how we feel, honestly, the same things I’m sure millions of other former couples have done.
And yet. I have to be honest. It’s no easier today than it was the day we broke up.
No amount of prayer, Bible, therapy, or medication has completely removed this pain. Now I fully believe the scripture that says:
Psalm 34:18 (MSG)
18 If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
And I can testify that I’ve met God in a deeper way in my despair. However, there are still days where I feel that heaviness in my heart, or can easily burst into tears.
Those four words can be both joyful and painful. It’s bittersweet.
In a somewhat unexpected twist though, I feel like I understand God’s love a little bit more because of this relationship.
Because sometimes, you can love someone and see value in them even if it’s illogical. There’s been plenty of friends over the past 10 years who have thought I’m just another dumb girlfriend who gets back with a bad boyfriend. Or people who think I am weak. Or people who think one way or the other about choices I’ve made. But at the same time..I know the same can be said for God.
God loves us in an illogical way.
At the end of the day, do I bring actual value to God’s life? God is perfect. God doesn’t actually need me. But he made me and wants me even though I am just a failure and sinner like anyone else. Couldn’t people also have said to God why bother, he/she isn’t worth it? Aren’t you over that person yet?
In Matthew 23 MSG it even compares God to a mother hen:
How often I’ve ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn’t let me.
To me that’s also illogical. To me that’s also bittersweet. To love someone, to ache to embrace someone, and to feel the pain of knowing circumstance stands in your way, or that person doesn’t even love you.
I’m still on this journey. And sometimes I wonder why God hasn’t answered my prayers. I’ve prayed two major things over this never-ending relationship:
- God please help me not to love him. Change my heart.
Sidenote: This has been much of my life and yes, this scene always makes me cry. Don’t judge me: Grace’s Prayer
- God please give me the endurance to wait while you bring us back together in your perfect timing.
If you can relate to this, you’re not alone. Honestly, I can’t wait to be married one day. I really don’t think I’ve ever been good at being single. But until then, I hope to hurt less. To trust God more. To value His love for me, more than anyone else’s—even family.
I listened to the Abide app’s prayer today and it was perfect. I suggest you download it too. Here are the two parts that resonated with me:
Thank you for loving me when I didn’t deserve your love. Thanks for choosing to love me when there were better logical choices. I am worth something because you love me.